then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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