Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
