the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
