i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
