Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Farmville is her only friend.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
