My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
