i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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