We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
