I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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