Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
