so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
sick fucks of a feather flock together
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
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