I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
