Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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