it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
