Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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