If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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