I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
