if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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