I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
You need a sexual gate keeper
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Randomize
