A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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