Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
