The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
