You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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