her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
