3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize