I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
