I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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