I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
