Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
