Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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