upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
