and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
