Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
