I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
