Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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