I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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