I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
