I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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