OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
