i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
