I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
