sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
