Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Life without a bra equals bliss.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
