sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
