My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
