we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
