Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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