Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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