I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Fuck appropriateness.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
