i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I just found a bag of teeth...
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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