so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
