The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
